In March of 2005, Nytmare asked Rebel 16, NinjaPirateZombieRobot Poet Laureate, to write an epic poem about the formation of the clan in partial trade for a rare item. This, ladies and gentlemen of KoL, is the story that the poet chose to tell.

The Origin of Clan NPZR

Come gather around and I'll tell you a tale
Of an era of darkness and pain,
When the world was in uproar and monsters roamed wild
And men cried for succor in vain.

Crops rotted in fields and bodies were piled,
The victims of decades of war.
The people were slaughtered with arrows and lances,
And lost was much wealth and much lore.

With the old rulers fallen a few took their chances
And took many lands for their own.
But one rose above them, and all knelt before her,
This fiend who claimed empire's throne.

Come now, sing now, of the Naughty Sorceress,
In her tower that rose upon high!
Her will it was strong and her minions were ruthless,
And all who opposed her did die.

Although many served her, some few had forsworn her;
The lord Jick was one yet unbowed.
On his island kingdom peace and loathing flourished
And soon it had drawn quite a crowd.

Though his kingdom was prosp'rous, still some were discouraged
For the people had split into tribes.
There were many groups, some more important than the rest,
And it's one of these this tale describes.

There were four mighty factions all claiming to be best
At doing the things that they did,
And they fought with each other 'til one of them saw that
Their leaderboard standings had slid.

So the four factions' leaders met out by a beer vat
And a peace plan was put on the board.
They talked for an hour, then drank hard for three more,
Then they all fell over and snored.

The very next evening they met by the sea shore
With all of their minions in tow
And they formed an alliance and joined all their power,
And the strength of the new clan did grow.

From the depths of the darkness Clan Ninja did glower
As they pledged their sharp swords to the fight.
They swore on their honor that they'd never betray
The oath that was sworn there that night.

Next up was Clan Pirate, fresh in from the seaways.
Where the Clan went their strong ships would bear it.
They didn't have ink so the Cap'n had to sign
With stuff that he squeezed from his parrot.

Clan Zombie signed "Brains!" right on the dotted line,
Or at least that's what everyone guessed,
Because when you're dead and you're riddled with worm rot
Your penmanship becomes a mess.

The last signatories were those from Clan Robot,
Gleaming in the sun's final rays.
"Exterminate Humans" they crossed off their checklist,
Having promised to alter their ways.

Then the four former leaders in an action most reckless
Joined their hands and lowered their heads,
And with their mighty magics they merged into one man
Who was salty, swift, shiny and dead.

He looked over the masses who formed up his new clan.
He favored them all with a smile.
He said "As a new man I'm needing a new name,
But I think it can wait for a while."

So come now, sing now, of the Clan NPZR,
Whose bravery's known through the lands!
They're Ninjas and Pirates and Zombies and Robots
And there's never been stronger a band.

Now old lord Jick saw that things wouldn't be the same
And he knew that this new Clan could be
A force of destruction, or at least of distraction,
Or they could be convinced to serve he.

So Jick formed a plan, which he put into action.
He called for Nameless's attention
And he said "The Sorceress is planning to kill you
To prove that your clan's beneath mention."

Now Nameless just smiled and he said, "Lord Jick, will you
Be ticked off if I take her out?"
And Jick had to laugh at his confidence and poise
And confessed, "That's what this is about."

Nameless he nodded and slipped off without noise,
Sneaking deep into her lair.
His battles were fierce but her creatures fell to him
And he quietly slipped up the stair.

She stood looking out over wreckage and ruin,
And she crowed, "Behold! All lands are mine!"
Then she jumped when she heard, "Well, I'm needing a new name,
And I think what you said will do fine."

Then the newly-named BALAM grabbed her by her long mane
And hit her with his built-in taser,
Spat slime in her eye, threw her into a stone wall
And chopped off her head with his saber.

Triumphant, lord BALAM stood watching her head fall
O'er the edge to the rocks below,
Then out from her body mighty magics burst toward him
And... what happens next? We don't know.

Most folks like to think that the gods did reward him
And that mighty BALAM Ascended,
But all else who've tried have succeeded to fail,
'Cause it hasn't yet been implemented.

So come now, sing now, for BALAM the mighty,
Who saved us from becoming slaves!
He's out there somewhere, watching over all of us,
So you'd better damned well behave.